Parents want to be more than just parents. We want to be good parents—and by “good”, we mean exemplary. That’s why we try so hard to get it right. We cuddle up with the kids every night to read a bedtime story. (Or six.) We work to strike a balance between predictable family routines that anchor our children and unstructured time that gives them space to test their creativity. For us, parenting is about much more than keeping them safe, clean, and fed.
And because we know play is important, isn’t it the highlight of our day when we get down on the floor with the little ones to build with blocks or put four-piece puzzles together? Well, actually….maybe not. Many parents may be reluctant to admit it, but some of us just don’t like playing with our kids very much. Are we bad parents?
“Relax, relax, relax,” urges Linda Lembree, owner of piggy roo in Broomfield, Colorado, an expert on play and toys for young children and their families. “Here’s the thing. For some adults, engaging with kids and their play really is the highlight of their day. For others, frankly, it’s just plain boring and not very much fun. It’s not about good parenting or otherwise. It’s all about your personality.”
It makes sense that not everyone is wild about playing with their kids, says Lembree. “Think about how it feels for a child adjust to your world—say, when you go shopping and they tag along. Ten minutes feels like three days to them,” points out Lembree. “It’s really no different when you adjust to your child’s play world, which is all about make-believe and ever-changing rules that you don’t understand and high energy activities that may exhaust you after a long day at work. Ten minutes of that will feel like an eternity to some moms and dads, and reasonably so.”
Research supports this claim. Princeton University professors Daniel Kahneman and Alan Kreuger found that while parents generally insist playing with their children is among their favorite activities, the time they spend doing it gives them about as much pleasure as housework does. Research also demonstrates that parental engagement with children during play can support literacy development and imaginative thinking.*
If kids’ play is indeed so important, and you’re one of the parents who don’t find it so interesting to play with your child, what should you do?
Lembree offers these suggestions:
· Plan your parent-child play around things YOU like to do. If you like museums, take the kids and bring colored pencils and paper to “copy” masterpieces together. (Make sure your budding artist keeps his creativity on the paper!). Visit parts of the museum that have interest for both you and your kids, like dinosaurs or miniatures exhibits. If you like leisurely walks, set up a scavenger hunt for your little one along and bring her along. If you like books, make books together—you a scrapbook, your child a story for grandma.
· Keep it short. Find games or activities you can finish quickly without feeling rushed. (piggy roo has plenty of ideas.) If you find your attention wandering during play, opt out by telling your child, “It’s time for me to stop playing now, but you can keep playing by yourself.” If the activity requires two people, show your child how to adjust the activity to do it by herself.
· Give yourself credit. If the get-down-on-the-floor play is only slightly more tolerable than the endlessly-push-the-swing-at-the-park play, and you’re feeling guilty about not wanting to do any of it, give yourself credit for the things you are doing. “Sometimes parents get a bit narrow in their definition of play,” says Lembree, “and they don’t realize that reading, for example, ‘counts’ as play and can be made even more playful by acting out the story together. An ‘I Spy’ game at the grocery store is wonderful play, even if it’s in the context of another non-play activity.”
Parent-child play does support healthy child development and help create treasured memories. Yet you don’t have to have the play repertoire of a preschool teacher or the non-stop energy of your neighbor who never seems to do anything except play with her kids. As play expert Lembree says, “Just relax.” Your child will thrive if you just let yourself be you. After all, the real, authentic you is the most important person in the world to your little one.
*Alan B. Krueger & Daniel Kahneman & David Schkade & Norbert Schwarz & Arthur A. Stone, 2008. "National Time Accounting: The Currency of Life," Working Papers 1061, Princeton University, Department of Economics, Industrial Relations Section.
Jerome L. Singer and Dorothy G. Singer. The House of Make Believe. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1991.
